We are the Millers

They say men grieve differently from women.  Men don't want to talk about it or think about it.  Men want to distract themselves from the situation or they want to fix it. Men don't like to dwell and certainly don't want to cry about it. I've seen you grieve before, but not like this, not for your own son.  Most recently for your cousin who lost her baby.  Something we both agreed we could never imagine.  And now we don't have to imagine.  We know.  While I know you don't like to talk about it, you do.  Almost every night after the kids go to bed, we sit and talk.  It's almost always about Colson and about all of the things that have happened to us since Colson.  It's hard to sit and talk about all of these bad things, so many bad things, and yet I think it helps us both at the same time. I know you don't like to think about it but I know you do.  I see you sometimes, your eyes wander off into space.  And I know...

The other day I received a package in the mail, a box with something in it that I know I had not ordered.  When I opened it, I found a Willow Tree figurine inside.  A gift from a friend.  The 'Remember' figurine.  In honor of Colson. And the tears started flowing. I was going through my old emails and cleaning out my inbox when I came across an email and the subject line said 'baby 3'.  I had no idea what it was so I opened it.  I found that it was the audio of Colson's heartbeat that I took with my phone during the first appointment.  I remember I had emailed it to myself in case it got deleted off my phone somehow. And the tears started flowing. I had a follow up doctor's appointment with my OB.  She asked me how I was doing and we discussed how I've been feeling.  She shared with me her experience with miscarriage and how she felt after it had happened. And the tears started flowing. And that's how it goes around here...

It's been a week.  A week since you were born too soon.  A week since I held your tiny, lifeless body in my hands.  A week since I lost you and my world changed forever. I have been thinking of you, crying for you, grieving for you, longing for you, missing you non stop. I have been playing everything over in my mind.  The pregnancy, the final ultrasound, the delivery, the surgery.  I can't help but think that maybe there were something I could have done differently to prevent this from happening. I need you to know that you were wanted.  I wanted you so badly.  I was so excited to bring you into this family.  You have the best siblings and I was looking forward to having all of you together. I need you to know that you were so loved.  From the second that test showed positive, I fell in love with you.  There is no way to describe the love I have for a life I grow inside of me but it's more powerful than anything else in this wor...

I wasn't sure if I was going to blog about this but I think that getting this down will really help me with my grieving process.  This is going to be a very long and graphic post so bare with me.  I had a bumpdate post and a thoughts on three post all ready for this week but instead, I give you Colson's birth story. It started Tuesday (4/7).  I had some cramping throughout the day but didn't really think anything of it.  Tuesday night, before bed, I had some spotting too, but again, it wasn't heavy or painful so I didn't think anything of it.  The cramping and spotting continued on and off all day Wednesday, and when Thursday came around and it hadn't stopped, I finally decided to call my OB, who had me go into the office immediately for an ultrasound.  I quickly got the kids dressed and ran out the door. Ashlyn was really good.  She just sat in the chair in the office while I had the ultrasound done.  Bryan was tired and cranky and just cried...

Honestly, I don't even know what to blog about right now. We have so many things going on and happening in the next few months but no real news we are able to share as of yet.  So what's been going on with us lately? Well, I'm pregnant.  This been going much better since the second trimester hit.  I've been limiting my bumpdates to doctor's appointments because, let's face it, they can be quite repetitive.  The food is finally staying down and the belly is growing quite well. The kids are sick again.  Hoping it kicks this weeks.  They haven't been too bad this time around, just some coughing and runny noses.  Bryan has been getting breathing treatments because we don't want to spend any time in the hospital. Speaking of Bryan, I've been limiting his updates too but I think I may need to do one soon.  This kid is hilarious!  He talks like crazy and sings now and it's awesome.  He sings let it go a lot and for some reason my...