Two months have passed since we lost Colson.
It's been hard.
There are constant reminders everywhere. All the newborn babies and baby bumps still get me. And his shadow box. And his necklace. And my baby belly that still hasn't gone away. A song that reminds me. A picture that I see. A gender reveal. So many things.
Every once in a while, Ashlyn will ask me about Bryan's baby brother. For some reason she won't call him her baby brother, maybe because she wanted a sister. It always sends me into a state of quiet, breaking my heart that she won't know her brother.
But it's also been good. We are a much stronger family now. We communicate better. We are so much more patient with each other. Our kids make us cry pretty much daily because we are just so thankful for them and their sweet souls.
My husband has been so very patient with me. There are still times that I just break down and need his help and he's always right there. Always asking me how I'm feeling and if I need to talk. I lean on him a lot harder these days because I know I can. I know he will be there.
We have created some seriously strong bonds with some of our family and friends as well. These people who just came to us in our darkest moment and have stayed with us through it all. We have a new love and respect for these people.
As the kids were cuddled up to me on the couch the other night, one on each side of me, it was the first time since our loss that I thought, I really want another baby. It's only been two months. Am I really ready for that?
Just the thought of it left me more emotional than I had been in weeks. I don't know why. I can't explain how I felt in that moment. Happy that I could think about another baby. Sad because I felt like I was moving on from Colson and didn't want to. Guilty for wanting another baby.
I don't know if we are ready for that yet. I don't know when we will be ready. I do know that it scares me more than anything else ever has. And I know it will be hard. But I also know I have people who will help me though it when the time comes.
For now we are just living. We are getting past each day the best we can. We are focusing on our new house and everything we have to get done in order to move in. We are enjoying the warm weather with the kids. We are spending time with our friends and family.
For now that's all we can do. My heart still hurts each and every day for my sweet boy. I don't know if it will every stop hurting. I'm not sure I want it to. But I do know that my Colson will always be in my heart.
#loveforcolson
It's been hard.
There are constant reminders everywhere. All the newborn babies and baby bumps still get me. And his shadow box. And his necklace. And my baby belly that still hasn't gone away. A song that reminds me. A picture that I see. A gender reveal. So many things.
Every once in a while, Ashlyn will ask me about Bryan's baby brother. For some reason she won't call him her baby brother, maybe because she wanted a sister. It always sends me into a state of quiet, breaking my heart that she won't know her brother.
But it's also been good. We are a much stronger family now. We communicate better. We are so much more patient with each other. Our kids make us cry pretty much daily because we are just so thankful for them and their sweet souls.
My husband has been so very patient with me. There are still times that I just break down and need his help and he's always right there. Always asking me how I'm feeling and if I need to talk. I lean on him a lot harder these days because I know I can. I know he will be there.
We have created some seriously strong bonds with some of our family and friends as well. These people who just came to us in our darkest moment and have stayed with us through it all. We have a new love and respect for these people.
As the kids were cuddled up to me on the couch the other night, one on each side of me, it was the first time since our loss that I thought, I really want another baby. It's only been two months. Am I really ready for that?
Just the thought of it left me more emotional than I had been in weeks. I don't know why. I can't explain how I felt in that moment. Happy that I could think about another baby. Sad because I felt like I was moving on from Colson and didn't want to. Guilty for wanting another baby.
I don't know if we are ready for that yet. I don't know when we will be ready. I do know that it scares me more than anything else ever has. And I know it will be hard. But I also know I have people who will help me though it when the time comes.
For now we are just living. We are getting past each day the best we can. We are focusing on our new house and everything we have to get done in order to move in. We are enjoying the warm weather with the kids. We are spending time with our friends and family.
For now that's all we can do. My heart still hurts each and every day for my sweet boy. I don't know if it will every stop hurting. I'm not sure I want it to. But I do know that my Colson will always be in my heart.
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