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Let it Go

Day 30:  React to this term:  Letting go.

There are so many things that I need to learn to let go of.

Control.  I wouldn't call my self a control freak but I do like to be in control.  I like to host events because I like them to be done my way.  I have a hard time if someone else is the planner.  For example, my 30th birthday is this Saturday and my husband isn't exactly a good planner.  I have been having a lot of trouble letting go and allowing him to plan this party, which I'm sure pisses him off.

And if it's not bad enough that I stick my nose where it doesn't belong, then I have to make sure I point out all of the things that I would have done differently.  It's hard for me to just relax and let it be.

Fear.  I have been cursed with this overwhelming fear that something bad is going to happen.  To me.  To my husband.  To my daughter.  Doesn't really matter.  The fear is always there.  My husband doesn't respond to my text messages?  Maybe he got into a car accident.  There is a guy walking down the street?  Maybe he is going to mug us.  The fear is always there.

This fear is also what causes me to see the worst case scenario for everything.  My parents and I had a 20 minute conversation about how you could die from para sailing on Mother's Day.  Every time they talked about how fun it was, I brought up another what if.  They thought I was crazy! 

Mistakes.  I have made my share of mistakes in the past.  I have done really stupid and embarrassing things.  Things I still think about from time to time.  They will always be in the back of my mind.  I can never take them back and I can never seem to let them go.

Lost friendships.  So many people have come and gone.  So many friends who I thought I'd remain friends with forever.  So many friends who I never thought could be hurtful the way that they turned out to be.  And I often think back on those friends and think about what went wrong and why we fell apart.  I always find a way to blame myself for the ending of the friendship because it just seems easier that way.

Negative comments.  There is always that one person who just knows how to shoot you down.  That one person who knows just the right thing to say to get under your skin.  That one person who just has to get the last jab in there.  That's the one person you avoid at all costs because you want to throat punch them every time you see them.

My daughter.  I know it's not time for me to let her go completely.  That's a long way off.  But every so often, there is a little something that reminds me that it's not as far off as I think.  I like that my little girl is independent.  That she can sit and play with her toys on her own and be content.  That she can watch a movie on the couch by herself.  But i also love that she wants me to sit with her sometimes. I love that she randomly walks up to me and gives me a hug.  I love how she reaches for me when she needs to be consoled.

I can't think about the future because it just makes me sick to my stomach.  Yes I want my kids to do amazing things.  But when I think about my little girl on her wedding day, I die a little inside.  When I think about how eventually she will become a teenager and want nothing to do with me, I get sad.  It's all going too quickly! 

Some of these things come with anger and bitterness, emotions that you can carry for a long time if you want to.  I'm a grudge holder so I know! 

If I could learn to let go of at least some of these things, life would be so much easier!
 


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