Mommy Wars

I've been seeing a lot of stuff out there about these "Mommy Wars" that are going on, especially since the Times released their latest issue with the breastfed kid on the cover (more on that later).  I wasn't sure what "Mommy Wars" was so I Googled it.  I guess it's all about how Moms judge each other based on their parenting styles and what choices the make??

Stay at home mom versus a working mom.  Breastfeeding mom versus bottle feeding mom.  Co-sleeping mom versus a crib mom.  The list goes on.  Are we really judging each other for these things?  Isn't it hard enough just being a mom?

I subscribe to a blog called Red Pen Mama and she posted a blog about this, stemming from the Times cover.  Read Hot Button.  It's all about what she did as far as parenting choices go because it was what was best for her family.  I find that I completely agree with her.

There are plenty of times when I hear something about a friend and the way they are parenting and I say, "Well I would never do that" in an oh-my-gosh-so-judgemental kind of way.  Shame on me.  Just because it's not something I would do doesn't mean I should be judging anyone else for doing it.  Everyone has their own individual style of parenting.  Everyone also has their own opinion. 

We need to keep in mind that our opinions only matter to us and if what I am doing as a parent is what fits best for my family, then that's what I'm going to do.  I have never been more confident than I am when it comes to something for my daughter.  I make my decisions based on what works for her and for us and I stand by every decision I make and I don't feel bad about it.  Why would I expect anyone else to be any different?

I liked learning about what Red Pen Mama had to say about her parenting style.  I like that she put it out there for everyone to see.  I like that she was confident in her decisions.  I may not agree with everything she does as far as parenting, but that just means I don't do it.  That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with what she is doing.

So now I'm going to share my parenting style so far.  I know my Baby Girl is still young but we have already adapted to her needs so many times.  These are the choices I have made.

Breastfeeding
No, I don't breastfeed.  I never wanted to breastfeed either.  I was a little grossed out by it at first to be honest.  I decided early on that I wasn't going to breastfeed but that I would pump and bottle feed.  I really thought that would be easy and that I would have no issues with it.  When Ashlyn was born, I had no milk to give her.  She was technically two weeks early so I guess I just wasn't prepared.  So, for the first week of her life, she was bottle fed formula.  A girl's gotta eat!  I gave up on the idea of breastfeeding and then woke up with the rocks.  I was so desperate to make the pain go away that I actually gave in and just tried to breastfeed.  I guess Baby Girl had other ideas because she refused to latch. 

So, for the next two weeks, every time she ate, I tried to get her to latch on.  She just said no.  While I was pumping, I wasn't doing it enough to really get much out of it.  We tried giving her the breast milk and it just seemed to upset her stomach.  Of course I got frustrated by the fact that my baby wouldn't latch on.  Something so natural and she just didn't want to do it.  I felt sort of rejected.  But I decided not to dwell on it.  We kept bottle feeding her and left it at that.  It took us a few tries, but we finally got the right formula for her and life has been great ever since.

If you are able to breastfeed, then good for you.  It's always the first choice, it just wasn't my choice.  Instead of struggling with it and feeling deflated by it, I decided to let it go.  Baby Girl is happy and healthy and she like her soy formula so it works for us.  (By the way, I really hate it when people ask me if I breastfeed like it's any of their F*ing business.  I mean seriously?  Unless you're a Mom asking for advice, why are you asking me about breastfeeding anyway?)

Working
No, I am not a stay at home mom.  Yes, I would like to be.  That sounds crazy even now as I'm typing it.  I NEVER wanted to stay at home.  It was something I didn't even consider because I just didn't want it.  I knew I was going to love my kid but I didn't think I was going to want to spend every second of every day with her. 

I work.  My husband works.  Ashlyn is in daycare.  It's just how it is.  For now.  I hate daycare.  I hate having someone else take care of my child for 9 hours a day.  It bothers me more than anything else has ever bothered me before.  Not because there is anything wrong with taking her to daycare.  Just because.  I want to be the one with her.  We are trying to make that happen. 

So, for now, I work.  But, hopefully sometime soon, I will become a stay at home mom.  And there is nothing wrong with that.  I will most likely either work part time at my current job or quit and find something else part time just to keep a schedule and maybe get some benefits (or become a professional blogger) but I will be a stay at home mom.  At least that's the goal.

Co-Sleeping
Sorry, not for me.  Baby Girl started out in a bassinet in our bedroom.  She slept right next to me in that bassinet for about 6 weeks.  After 6 weeks, we moved her bassinet into her room so she could get used to sleeping without us in the room.  After a few weeks of that, she went to the crib and has never looked back.  She does still sleep in the bassinet from time to time.  Usually only when she is sick or when Mommy wants to keep her close for her own selfish reasons but it's not very often.

She has never slept in our bed.  She will never sleep in our bed.  Well, never say never.  If she's 3 years old and she comes to me crying in the middle of the night about a nightmare, of course she gets to sleep in the bed.  But only on my side because Daddy will probably crush her in his sleep.

We don't have room to co-sleep anyway.  We have 3 dogs who take up most of the bed and I have a restless husband who suffocated a cat in his sleep once.  I'm not taking the chance of having a baby in the bed too!  There have been plenty of times where Baby Girl took naps on our chests.  But naps only. 

Cry-It-Out
This is something we did do.  Kind of.  Sort of.  Baby Girl pretty much slept whenever she felt like it at first.  Some nights she would go to bed at midnight.  Other nights she was awake until 2am.  She always slept for long periods of time (6-8 hours) but when she wanted to.  There was one time that we were up until 4am.  She didn't wake up until 10am but still.

So, at 7 weeks, Daddy decided enough was enough, especially since I was headed back to work and couldn't stay up with her anymore.  I did not agree with this decision.  I argued with my husband about it because I really hated the idea of it.  I didn't think it was fair to let her cry it out when she didn't even know what was going on.

But he did it anyway.  The first night was pretty bad.  She was a little miserable to begin with so that didn't help.  I sat out in the living room and listened to her cry (and cried a little myself).  I was so angry with my husband for doing this to her that I refused to talk to him.  It turned out, he didn't really let her cry anything out.  He held her most of the time because she was just being grouchy.  She was tired and she was fighting it and she always gets grouchy when she does that. 

It took her about 2 hours to fall asleep on that first night.  There was no crying the second night or any of the nights that followed.  Bryan would feed her, put her in her bassinet and just wait.  It usually took her about an hour to fall asleep.  But during that hour she would just lay there and look around and coo and laugh.  She was not upset or crying.  And eventually she would fall asleep.  Daddy would stay there with her until she fell asleep every time.

The amount of time it took for her to fall asleep became less and less, especially as we started to fall into a better routine during the day.  The earlier her last nap was, the more tired she would be at bed time, the easier it would be to put her to bed. 

Now, she sleeps like a little rock.  She usually falls asleep mid-bottle but even if she doesn't, if you put her in her crib and wait maybe 10 minutes, she usually falls asleep on her own.  She goes to bed between 9 and 10 and sleeps until 6 or 7.  We have been very lucky with her sleeping patterns.  She has had some bad weeks of waking up in the middle of the night, but it usually is only a week and then she's back on track. 

Holding
Yes, I love to hold my Baby Girl.  I hold her a lot.  I hold her and play with her and hug her.  I hold her as much as I can because I don't get to spend 24/7 with her.  But, I also put her down.  She spends a lot of time on her play mat.  She loves her play mat.  She loves to play with all of the toys that dangle from it.  If she is being held all of the time, how is she going to develop any of the motor skills she needs to be a mobile baby?

I want to hold that little girl every second.  But I can't.  If I do, it will not benefit her.  It will hurt her.  If she doesn't lay on her play mat, she won't develop the muscles she needs to roll over or grab toys or crawl.  She will be a limp little noodle in my arms because I would not have given her the opportunity to develop.

She hated belly time so I never put her on her belly.  Instead, I would sit her in my lap and try to get her to hold her head up that way.  It worked because she holds her head up just fine now.  We are working on sitting up now.  She's on her way but she wouldn't be if I held her all of the time. 

Swaddling
Ashlyn hated to be swaddled.  I don't care what the doctors said.  She would wake herself up more trying to get out of her swaddle than if we just let her out of it.  When we first brought her home, we did swaddle her.  I think that lasted two weeks.  Then she would get out of it no matter how tight we tried to swaddle her.  And, again, she would wake herself up trying to get out of it. 

Why bother?  She slept perfectly fine without being swaddled so why bother?  We gave up on it and the second we did, we realized we should have given up sooner!  Some babies LOVE to be swaddled and can't sleep unless they are.  Our baby, not so much.

They make sleep sacks for babies who don't want to be swaddled but don't sleep well.  They make the baby look like a giant marshmallow but apparently they work. 

Vaccinations
Is there really a way to be less aggressive about vaccinations?  I mean, I just thought they were 100% necessary and required.  I don't like hearing my Baby Girl scream because she is being stuck with needles but I know that it will benefit her in the long run.  Why wouldn't I get her vaccinated for everything and anything?

They are required if you are going to take your child to a daycare.  I know because I had to pay $5 for Ashlyn's pediatrician to fill out the dam form and I have to pay it again at her next checkup because the daycare requires a new form at 3, 6, 9 and 12 months.  I mean really?


So that's it. Those are my our parenting choices. These are the things that work for US.   If Ashlyn wants a pacifier, she gets one (my finger is still her favorite pacifier).  She just started sucking on her thumb.  Ok.  I think she's going to be a security blanket kind of girl.  That's ok too. 

Maybe a Mommy can't breastfeed because she has to take medication for a health issue.  Maybe a Mommy has severe anxiety over leaving her baby with total strangers every day and wants to quit her job.  Maybe a baby is so colicky that the only thing that eases her is being held.  We all have choices that we have to make and we all have reasons to make them.  Just because we don't agree with them, doesn't mean we have to judge each other for them.   

No more Mommy Wars.  Mommy's Unite!