I wasn't sure if I was going to blog about this but I think that getting this down will really help me with my grieving process. This is going to be a very long and graphic post so bare with me. I had a bumpdate post and a thoughts on three post all ready for this week but instead, I give you Colson's birth story.
It started Tuesday (4/7). I had some cramping throughout the day but didn't really think anything of it. Tuesday night, before bed, I had some spotting too, but again, it wasn't heavy or painful so I didn't think anything of it. The cramping and spotting continued on and off all day Wednesday, and when Thursday came around and it hadn't stopped, I finally decided to call my OB, who had me go into the office immediately for an ultrasound. I quickly got the kids dressed and ran out the door.
Ashlyn was really good. She just sat in the chair in the office while I had the ultrasound done. Bryan was tired and cranky and just cried. So he was sitting on my chest while she was doing the ultrasound. So as I'm trying to comfort him and quiet him, I was also trying to watch the screen during the ultrasound. She popped the baby up there and I knew. I could see that his heart wasn't beating. I could see that he was curled up in a little ball and not moving. I could see that there were no heart beat waves when she scanned him. I could see all of this but I was still holding onto some hope that I was wrong.
We went into the OB office and she immediately asked me if I was alone. Again, I knew what was coming. She asked me what had been happening and after I explained everything, she said the words I was absolutely dreading.
Unfortunately the baby's heart has stopped.
My baby was gone.
I couldn't even contain myself to listen to what she was saying. I still had both kids in the office with me and the doctor telling me that my third was gone. She went over my options with me as best she could. I could either be induced and deliver the baby or have a D&C. Even though it would have been easier, I just couldn't do the D&C. I wanted to meet my son.
So I called my husband at work and I literally couldn't say anything other than, I need you to leave work. He knew right away and just packed up and left. He was about an hour away so I took the kids to my mom's house and waited there for him while I tried to contact my mom at work. We left the kids with my mom while we went to the hospital. We didn't know how long it would take so we prepared for them to spend the night.
We checked in at the hospital and I got my first round of dilation pills around 4pm. The contractions started getting stronger almost immediately but I wasn't dilating so I got a second round of pills around 8pm. Once the second round of pills were in, the contractions got even stronger. I knew it wouldn't be long.
They gave me some pain medication in my IV. I could have had an epidural but I didn't want to have anything that would have put me out of it. I wanted something that would help ease the pain but not make me groggy. Unfortunately, the pain medication they did choose to give me did not work. The labor wasn't as bad as a full blown labor because I didn't need to be fully dilated to deliver him so that helped.
Around 9pm I felt a pop and my water broke. It really took me by surprise. I'm sure it feels different when you're full term but this was literally a pop. I've always had my water broken so I had no idea what to expect. After that, it all went pretty quickly. I got up because I had to pee but I felt like the baby was just going to fall out so I just went and laid right back down. I told the nurse that I felt like this was it and she ran and got my OB. And just like that, with one little push, or baby boy was born.
Colson Alan Miller, April 9 2015, 9:26pm
Weighing in at less than an ounce (.2 grams) and measuring 3 3/4 inches long
I couldn't believe how tiny he was. I don't know why I expected a bigger baby but I did. She took him over to the warmer and cleaned him up and asked if I wanted to hold him. I did. It was so hard but I knew I wanted to at least see him. I could see right away that he was a boy. He had the tiniest little fingers and toes and I could see all of his little ribs.
The nurse and my OB left the room for a while so we could be alone with him. I can't even explain to you the sadness I felt at that moment. Holding my tiny little baby boy, knowing that he was gone and knowing that he wouldn't be going home with me was just devastating.
My OB kept coming in to check on me because the placenta hadn't delivered yet. We kept trying to get it out with pushing and some other things but we just kept getting blood clots. I was losing a lot of blood and the placenta wasn't coming out.
The nurse came in around 11:30 to take some blood but when she raised the bed, I got really light headed and things started to go black. She got me some apple juice and ran for the doctor. My blood pressure was really low because of the blood loss so my OB said we needed to go back to the operating room to get the placenta out and stop the bleeding.
When they wheeled me down the hall, I noticed that all of the rooms out around us were empty. I can't help but think they did that purposely so I wouldn't have to hear the cries of newborn babies. There were people in those rooms when we checked in and I did hear one baby cry shortly after we arrived but that was it. I heard the baby lullaby often while we were there and that just killed me. I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am to them for moving those babies somewhere else.
The operating room was freezing cold. I just laid there and shivered until some put a heated blanket over me. The anesthesiologist was the sweetest guy and he just kept telling me I was ok. He put something in my IV and the next thing I knew, I was waking up. I don't know why but the second I woke up, tears just started streaming down my face. It was so scary and I knew that the last little piece of my son had just left my belly.
The procedure had taken twice as long as the OB had originally told us because the placenta was stuck. I remember her saying that she needed to go update my husband because it had taken so long. But all went well with the procedure and the bleeding had stopped.
I told my husband to lay down and get some sleep because he just looked exhausted. It was around 2am until I was finally settled and able to sleep a little. The nurse came in and checked on me in the middle of the night but I was able to get some sleep. Because of the surgery, I had to have a few rounds of antibiotics in case of infection so they kept changing that out and changing the fluid bag. I didn't get much sleep but I got some.
My OB came back first thing Friday morning to check on us and give us discharge instructions. I can't even begin to tell you how amazing she was. She could have easily let a resident at the hospital do all this but she didn't. She worked a full day at her office and then spent the night with me helping me through this tough delivery. She reassured me that there was nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening and she was just so sensitive to me through it all. I could not have asked for a better doctor to help me through this.
My nurse for the night was amazing as well. She was with me through pretty much the whole thing. She helped with the delivery and the after care. We actually got to know a lot about her because she talked with us a lot! She was with me during the procedure as well and she was the one with me all night long.
We can't say enough good things about all of the doctors and nurses who helped us through this. We have delivered three babies at the Reading Hospital and we have always had a great experience. While I wouldn't call this one a great experience, I do know that they did everything they could to make it easier on us.
It was up to us when we wanted to go home. I could have stayed another day or two if I had wanted to but I just wanted to get out of the hospital. Colson's hands and feet were too small for prints so, instead, the morning nurse, who was also really awesome, made me a mold of his tiny body. I also took a few pictures just for myself. Maybe that's weird but I felt like I needed to take something with me when I left.
I don't mind showing people the pictures or the mold but they will never be posted anywhere. They are mine and they are just a little piece of Colson that I got to take with me since I couldn't take my baby boy with me. We got our discharge papers and left the hospital around 11:30am. We went right to my mom's to get the kids because we just wanted to hug and kiss our kids. We took them home and I literally went right to bed. I took a 3-4 hour nap and I felt so much better after.
These were the posts that I made for social media. I knew I needed to post something since I was posting my pregnancy updates.
Friday was rough. I really just couldn't stop crying. I'm not much of a crier but I just couldn't stop myself. Normal under the circumstances obviously. My husband took care of the kids so I could just sit and recoup. The blood loss left me dizzy and wobbly so I just had to take it easy.
When we put the kids to bed, I told Ashlyn about her baby brother. She didn't really understand it. She looked at his picture, asked some questions and even cried a little. She told me that she loved him but she didn't really understand why he wasn't in my belly anymore. We decided that we will let her ask questions in her own time. At some point she will remember that there was a baby in my belly and she will want to know what happened.
On Saturday, my brother in law and sister in law came to help with whatever we needed. I slept in Saturday but laying in bed only made me think about things and cry some more. My sister in law cooked, cleaned and helped with the kids. She did everything I would have done just so I could relax for the weekend. I can't thank her enough for being here.
Saturday night my sista from another mista came over. She just sat with me and listened the whole night. She let me talk and talk and talk. She let me tell her what happened even though she already knew. She was at the hospital with me and literally minutes after she left, Colson was born. But she listened anyway. She cried with me and she talked to me and told me it was ok for me to be sad and angry. Talking with her really helped and I am so thankful for her. I don't mind talking about it. I'd rather talk about it then let it be an elephant in the room.
Sunday was a better day. My husband did have to go do some work for a few hours and that was the time I took to write this all down. When he got home, we wrote some messages on some balloons for Colson and released them. This is something that I would like to do every year for Colson. Ashlyn decorated some balloons for her little brother and even Bryan colored on a few. We also had some friends drop some balloons for us so they were released with ours.
We had some more friends come over and bring some dinner for us. We appreciated the dinner and the company.
I don't know how well I'm processing this. I have so many things going through my brain about this whole thing. I still can't believe that it all happened in the first place. One of the ladies I follow on IG reached out to me and we have been communicating via email. She lost a baby boy at 21 weeks and a baby at 12 weeks so she knows exactly what I'm going through. It has been so nice to be able to tell her everything, all my sadness, anger and fears. It's been nice to have someone who can say I know how you feel, I went through it too, it will be ok.
I have already felt some of the pain lifting as I've been talking to different people about this and I know that some day I will find some kind of peace with all of this. Colson may be gone but he will never be forgotten. I hope you could feel my love little angel. I hope you know how much I wanted you and how excited I was to meet you. You will always be my baby boy.
It started Tuesday (4/7). I had some cramping throughout the day but didn't really think anything of it. Tuesday night, before bed, I had some spotting too, but again, it wasn't heavy or painful so I didn't think anything of it. The cramping and spotting continued on and off all day Wednesday, and when Thursday came around and it hadn't stopped, I finally decided to call my OB, who had me go into the office immediately for an ultrasound. I quickly got the kids dressed and ran out the door.
Ashlyn was really good. She just sat in the chair in the office while I had the ultrasound done. Bryan was tired and cranky and just cried. So he was sitting on my chest while she was doing the ultrasound. So as I'm trying to comfort him and quiet him, I was also trying to watch the screen during the ultrasound. She popped the baby up there and I knew. I could see that his heart wasn't beating. I could see that he was curled up in a little ball and not moving. I could see that there were no heart beat waves when she scanned him. I could see all of this but I was still holding onto some hope that I was wrong.
We went into the OB office and she immediately asked me if I was alone. Again, I knew what was coming. She asked me what had been happening and after I explained everything, she said the words I was absolutely dreading.
Unfortunately the baby's heart has stopped.
My baby was gone.
I couldn't even contain myself to listen to what she was saying. I still had both kids in the office with me and the doctor telling me that my third was gone. She went over my options with me as best she could. I could either be induced and deliver the baby or have a D&C. Even though it would have been easier, I just couldn't do the D&C. I wanted to meet my son.
So I called my husband at work and I literally couldn't say anything other than, I need you to leave work. He knew right away and just packed up and left. He was about an hour away so I took the kids to my mom's house and waited there for him while I tried to contact my mom at work. We left the kids with my mom while we went to the hospital. We didn't know how long it would take so we prepared for them to spend the night.
We checked in at the hospital and I got my first round of dilation pills around 4pm. The contractions started getting stronger almost immediately but I wasn't dilating so I got a second round of pills around 8pm. Once the second round of pills were in, the contractions got even stronger. I knew it wouldn't be long.
They gave me some pain medication in my IV. I could have had an epidural but I didn't want to have anything that would have put me out of it. I wanted something that would help ease the pain but not make me groggy. Unfortunately, the pain medication they did choose to give me did not work. The labor wasn't as bad as a full blown labor because I didn't need to be fully dilated to deliver him so that helped.
Around 9pm I felt a pop and my water broke. It really took me by surprise. I'm sure it feels different when you're full term but this was literally a pop. I've always had my water broken so I had no idea what to expect. After that, it all went pretty quickly. I got up because I had to pee but I felt like the baby was just going to fall out so I just went and laid right back down. I told the nurse that I felt like this was it and she ran and got my OB. And just like that, with one little push, or baby boy was born.
Colson Alan Miller, April 9 2015, 9:26pm
Weighing in at less than an ounce (.2 grams) and measuring 3 3/4 inches long
I couldn't believe how tiny he was. I don't know why I expected a bigger baby but I did. She took him over to the warmer and cleaned him up and asked if I wanted to hold him. I did. It was so hard but I knew I wanted to at least see him. I could see right away that he was a boy. He had the tiniest little fingers and toes and I could see all of his little ribs.
The nurse and my OB left the room for a while so we could be alone with him. I can't even explain to you the sadness I felt at that moment. Holding my tiny little baby boy, knowing that he was gone and knowing that he wouldn't be going home with me was just devastating.
My OB kept coming in to check on me because the placenta hadn't delivered yet. We kept trying to get it out with pushing and some other things but we just kept getting blood clots. I was losing a lot of blood and the placenta wasn't coming out.
The nurse came in around 11:30 to take some blood but when she raised the bed, I got really light headed and things started to go black. She got me some apple juice and ran for the doctor. My blood pressure was really low because of the blood loss so my OB said we needed to go back to the operating room to get the placenta out and stop the bleeding.
When they wheeled me down the hall, I noticed that all of the rooms out around us were empty. I can't help but think they did that purposely so I wouldn't have to hear the cries of newborn babies. There were people in those rooms when we checked in and I did hear one baby cry shortly after we arrived but that was it. I heard the baby lullaby often while we were there and that just killed me. I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am to them for moving those babies somewhere else.
The operating room was freezing cold. I just laid there and shivered until some put a heated blanket over me. The anesthesiologist was the sweetest guy and he just kept telling me I was ok. He put something in my IV and the next thing I knew, I was waking up. I don't know why but the second I woke up, tears just started streaming down my face. It was so scary and I knew that the last little piece of my son had just left my belly.
The procedure had taken twice as long as the OB had originally told us because the placenta was stuck. I remember her saying that she needed to go update my husband because it had taken so long. But all went well with the procedure and the bleeding had stopped.
I told my husband to lay down and get some sleep because he just looked exhausted. It was around 2am until I was finally settled and able to sleep a little. The nurse came in and checked on me in the middle of the night but I was able to get some sleep. Because of the surgery, I had to have a few rounds of antibiotics in case of infection so they kept changing that out and changing the fluid bag. I didn't get much sleep but I got some.
My OB came back first thing Friday morning to check on us and give us discharge instructions. I can't even begin to tell you how amazing she was. She could have easily let a resident at the hospital do all this but she didn't. She worked a full day at her office and then spent the night with me helping me through this tough delivery. She reassured me that there was nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening and she was just so sensitive to me through it all. I could not have asked for a better doctor to help me through this.
My nurse for the night was amazing as well. She was with me through pretty much the whole thing. She helped with the delivery and the after care. We actually got to know a lot about her because she talked with us a lot! She was with me during the procedure as well and she was the one with me all night long.
We can't say enough good things about all of the doctors and nurses who helped us through this. We have delivered three babies at the Reading Hospital and we have always had a great experience. While I wouldn't call this one a great experience, I do know that they did everything they could to make it easier on us.
It was up to us when we wanted to go home. I could have stayed another day or two if I had wanted to but I just wanted to get out of the hospital. Colson's hands and feet were too small for prints so, instead, the morning nurse, who was also really awesome, made me a mold of his tiny body. I also took a few pictures just for myself. Maybe that's weird but I felt like I needed to take something with me when I left.
I don't mind showing people the pictures or the mold but they will never be posted anywhere. They are mine and they are just a little piece of Colson that I got to take with me since I couldn't take my baby boy with me. We got our discharge papers and left the hospital around 11:30am. We went right to my mom's to get the kids because we just wanted to hug and kiss our kids. We took them home and I literally went right to bed. I took a 3-4 hour nap and I felt so much better after.
These were the posts that I made for social media. I knew I needed to post something since I was posting my pregnancy updates.
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| Yesterday was the worst day of my life. Our son, Colson Alan Miller was born at 16 weeks gestation. There was no crying, there was no breathing. There was just silence as my little boy was born, weighing less than an ounce. I have a little angel now and I can't say I'm happy about that. I don't even know how to process this whole thing yet. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated as we navigate through this. |
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| Colson Alan Miller, born April 9, 2015 at 9:26 pm weighing in at .2 grams (less than an ounce), and measuring 3 3/4 inches. Even though he was tiny, he was ours and leaving the hospital without him today was devastating. None of this is easy but all of your prayers, love and words of encouragement mean a lot to us. |
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| Ashlyn fell asleep while holding my hand last night and I just cried. Cried because she seemed so sad to know that her brother was an angel now and cried because she was so sweet about it at the same time. She didn't argue about the baby brother like she has been (since she wanted a sister) and she said his name over and over again. She couldn't understand why he wasn't in my belly anymore but she said she loved him. My heart is just completely broken for the brother she will never know. We will be releasing some balloons in honor of Colson tomorrow when it's less windy. This will be our annual tradition for our little boy. I'm amazed by all of the people who have reached out to us. All of your words are so greatly appreciated. |
Friday was rough. I really just couldn't stop crying. I'm not much of a crier but I just couldn't stop myself. Normal under the circumstances obviously. My husband took care of the kids so I could just sit and recoup. The blood loss left me dizzy and wobbly so I just had to take it easy.
When we put the kids to bed, I told Ashlyn about her baby brother. She didn't really understand it. She looked at his picture, asked some questions and even cried a little. She told me that she loved him but she didn't really understand why he wasn't in my belly anymore. We decided that we will let her ask questions in her own time. At some point she will remember that there was a baby in my belly and she will want to know what happened.
On Saturday, my brother in law and sister in law came to help with whatever we needed. I slept in Saturday but laying in bed only made me think about things and cry some more. My sister in law cooked, cleaned and helped with the kids. She did everything I would have done just so I could relax for the weekend. I can't thank her enough for being here.
Saturday night my sista from another mista came over. She just sat with me and listened the whole night. She let me talk and talk and talk. She let me tell her what happened even though she already knew. She was at the hospital with me and literally minutes after she left, Colson was born. But she listened anyway. She cried with me and she talked to me and told me it was ok for me to be sad and angry. Talking with her really helped and I am so thankful for her. I don't mind talking about it. I'd rather talk about it then let it be an elephant in the room.
Sunday was a better day. My husband did have to go do some work for a few hours and that was the time I took to write this all down. When he got home, we wrote some messages on some balloons for Colson and released them. This is something that I would like to do every year for Colson. Ashlyn decorated some balloons for her little brother and even Bryan colored on a few. We also had some friends drop some balloons for us so they were released with ours.
We had some more friends come over and bring some dinner for us. We appreciated the dinner and the company.
I don't know how well I'm processing this. I have so many things going through my brain about this whole thing. I still can't believe that it all happened in the first place. One of the ladies I follow on IG reached out to me and we have been communicating via email. She lost a baby boy at 21 weeks and a baby at 12 weeks so she knows exactly what I'm going through. It has been so nice to be able to tell her everything, all my sadness, anger and fears. It's been nice to have someone who can say I know how you feel, I went through it too, it will be ok.
I have already felt some of the pain lifting as I've been talking to different people about this and I know that some day I will find some kind of peace with all of this. Colson may be gone but he will never be forgotten. I hope you could feel my love little angel. I hope you know how much I wanted you and how excited I was to meet you. You will always be my baby boy.
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| I can't tell you enough how grateful I am for all of the thoughts, prayers, words of encouragement and love you've given my family over these past few days. People on IG I don't even know personally have reached out and helped me so much already. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and my heart is broken but I am already feeling some pain lifting as you've all surrounded us with your love. I'll post pictures of our balloon release for Colson later. I've had one person ask already to release balloons for us and I'm honored to have people share in that with us. Thank you, thank you, thank you. #loveforcolson |
Oh honey, crying for you and your family and Colson!! I found out about our loss around 16 weeks and I just have to say you are so so so so strong for going through labor to meet him!! I had to do a D&E because I wasn't strong enough for labor. That's so special what the nurse did for you and I'm so happy you have that! I know where our baby was buried with all the other lost babies and that's comforting.
ReplyDeleteVanessa, this just sucks and I'm sorry for your loss!! I'm feeling all the emotions for you!
So happy you had great Drs/nurses and an amazing support system with you!!
Hang in there and do whatever you need to do to process all of this! Everyone is different and it sounds like your doing what's helping you which is all that matters.
I am praying for you Vanessa, for Colson and your entire family. My heart breaks for you, I can only imagine the pain and sadness. It sounds like you have so many wonderful people around you both from family and friends and through social media as well. ((hugs from afar)))
ReplyDeleteOh Vanessa, I am so sorry. My heart is just breaking for you, and I have tears in my eyes right now. I don't know why this had to happen, but I know your sweet baby Colson is safe in Heaven with Jesus now. I am so sorry. I am praying for you.
ReplyDelete