Dear Colson

It's been a week.  A week since you were born too soon.  A week since I held your tiny, lifeless body in my hands.  A week since I lost you and my world changed forever.

I have been thinking of you, crying for you, grieving for you, longing for you, missing you non stop.

I have been playing everything over in my mind.  The pregnancy, the final ultrasound, the delivery, the surgery.  I can't help but think that maybe there were something I could have done differently to prevent this from happening.

I need you to know that you were wanted.  I wanted you so badly.  I was so excited to bring you into this family.  You have the best siblings and I was looking forward to having all of you together.

I need you to know that you were so loved.  From the second that test showed positive, I fell in love with you.  There is no way to describe the love I have for a life I grow inside of me but it's more powerful than anything else in this world.

I need you to know that you are missed.  I miss you every second of every day and picturing what your future should have been makes me miss you even more.

I need you to know that you will never be forgotten.  I only knew you for a short time but it was enough time for you to be imprinted in my heart.  You will stay there forever, sweet boy.

I can only hope that you felt no pain, that you felt safe inside my belly and that you felt all of the love that I had for you.  I can only hope you are resting peacefully now and that you are an angel, always watching over us.  I can only hope you know how sad I am that you are not here with me.

I'm so sad baby boy.

I keep seeing the same little bird outside my window and I wonder if that's you.  It makes me feel better to think that's you visiting me, a sweet little birdie.

I love you so much, Colson.

I carry you in my heart instead of in my arms but I will forever be your mother.

Love Mommy.