The other day I received a package in the mail, a box with something in it that I know I had not ordered. When I opened it, I found a Willow Tree figurine inside. A gift from a friend. The 'Remember' figurine. In honor of Colson.
And the tears started flowing.
I was going through my old emails and cleaning out my inbox when I came across an email and the subject line said 'baby 3'. I had no idea what it was so I opened it. I found that it was the audio of Colson's heartbeat that I took with my phone during the first appointment. I remember I had emailed it to myself in case it got deleted off my phone somehow.
And the tears started flowing.
I had a follow up doctor's appointment with my OB. She asked me how I was doing and we discussed how I've been feeling. She shared with me her experience with miscarriage and how she felt after it had happened.
And the tears started flowing.
And that's how it goes around here these days.
One second I'm fine. The next second I'm reminded of Colson. One day I'm happy. The next day I'm sad. One day I feel like I am having some peace about the situation. The next day I'm angry and want answers.
People keep telling me to give it to God or to find comfort in the fact that God has my son. Do you know how hard that is? I'm not even fully on that path of religion. I struggle with believing that this pain has been caused for a specific reason which we will never understand. It's not easy for me to just let it go, as I've also been told. I'm completely envious of people who are firm in their beliefs because they always seem to be able to cope better in situations like these.
My husband and I talk almost every night. After the kids are in bed, we sit and talk about what's been happening and how we are feeling. I really think this has helped both of us. Work keeps Bryan distracted, the kids keep me distracted.
But there are just so many things happening right now. So many things outside of Colson that happened to just make things even harder. So many things to make us feel like we are drowning slowly. What's the saying? When it rains it pours. I'm pretty sure there is a solid storm cloud over our home at all times.
But we deal.
Many of our friends and family have reached out to us and have been so supportive. Many (mostly family) have not. And we know we can't dwell on that. We are thankful for each and every person who has sent a text, left a comment, come and spent time with us, watched our kids for us, sent flowers, brought dinner, sent a card and have just kept us in their thoughts.
We appreciate all of you. And while we may be distant right now, eventually we will wander out again. Eventually our eyes will not tear up when someone asks how we are doing. Eventually we will find some kind of peace. I hope.
And the tears started flowing.
I was going through my old emails and cleaning out my inbox when I came across an email and the subject line said 'baby 3'. I had no idea what it was so I opened it. I found that it was the audio of Colson's heartbeat that I took with my phone during the first appointment. I remember I had emailed it to myself in case it got deleted off my phone somehow.
And the tears started flowing.
I had a follow up doctor's appointment with my OB. She asked me how I was doing and we discussed how I've been feeling. She shared with me her experience with miscarriage and how she felt after it had happened.
And the tears started flowing.
And that's how it goes around here these days.
One second I'm fine. The next second I'm reminded of Colson. One day I'm happy. The next day I'm sad. One day I feel like I am having some peace about the situation. The next day I'm angry and want answers.
People keep telling me to give it to God or to find comfort in the fact that God has my son. Do you know how hard that is? I'm not even fully on that path of religion. I struggle with believing that this pain has been caused for a specific reason which we will never understand. It's not easy for me to just let it go, as I've also been told. I'm completely envious of people who are firm in their beliefs because they always seem to be able to cope better in situations like these.
My husband and I talk almost every night. After the kids are in bed, we sit and talk about what's been happening and how we are feeling. I really think this has helped both of us. Work keeps Bryan distracted, the kids keep me distracted.
But there are just so many things happening right now. So many things outside of Colson that happened to just make things even harder. So many things to make us feel like we are drowning slowly. What's the saying? When it rains it pours. I'm pretty sure there is a solid storm cloud over our home at all times.
But we deal.
Many of our friends and family have reached out to us and have been so supportive. Many (mostly family) have not. And we know we can't dwell on that. We are thankful for each and every person who has sent a text, left a comment, come and spent time with us, watched our kids for us, sent flowers, brought dinner, sent a card and have just kept us in their thoughts.
We appreciate all of you. And while we may be distant right now, eventually we will wander out again. Eventually our eyes will not tear up when someone asks how we are doing. Eventually we will find some kind of peace. I hope.
I don't think you have to just let it go, Vanessa. Even those of us who believe in God wouldn't be able to just give it to God and let it go. You might do that with worries, but not with grief. I'm not sure what people might mean by that, because grief like that just doesn't leave you, and I have seen that with my friends and family members who have lost babies. You should take all the time you need. I am praying for you.
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