Many nights when I close my eyes for bed, I flash back to the day I went in for the ultrasound, to the second the words came out of the doctor's mouth.
'Unfortunately the baby's heart has stopped beating.'
This is what haunts me most nights. The news. The second I realized that everything was about to change. The second I realized I lost my son.
They say that situations like this either make or break a relationship. I agree with this.
My husband has been more supportive, more emotionally available, more helpful in general. He has assured me that he will never lose patience with me and so far he hasn't. He has talked with me about all of this even when he didn't really want to. He has gone to work every day and continued to work hard for us, never getting a pause in all of this.
It certainly has not broken our relationship. It has brought us to a whole new level of closeness. We are more patient with each other. We talk more. We hug more. We are less angry at the small things. We appreciate each other more. We love more.
We are a little more patient with our kids. We say yes a little more often. We've always loved our kids with everything inside of us but we have really learned to appreciate little things more. When Bryan runs up to me in the kitchen and gives me a hug and tells me he loves me. When Ashlyn comes out of her room in the morning with a new crazy outfit on. When they cuddle up to me on the couch, one on each side. These are the things that make me smile.
Our kids have become even more beautiful to us than they were before. We just look at each one and really examine them. Memorize every detail. We know how precious they are now. We know how lucky we really are to have them.
I struggle with the baby bumps. Seeing all these pregnant ladies in my IG feed, seeing their growing bumps and their gender reveals and their excitement. I struggle with newborns. I still haven't gone to visit my sister in law who had her son two days after we lost Colson.
I struggle with my own belly. I've been pushing myself harder than ever before to lose weight. Who wants to have a baby belly with no baby in there? I've been doing double workouts, a lot of cardio, counting calories, deleting things from my diet. This past week the scale hasn't budged. Not even an ounce. It's so frustrating to be working so hard just to get no results when you really need them.
We had so many things go wrong after Colson. He really was just the top of a very long list of bad in our lives at the time. Things have settled down and we have been able to breath a little easier lately. Next week we have some new things happening that will be a nice distraction for us. I'll share more on Monday but for now I'll say we are really looking forward to this Summer and the changes we are about to make.
I'm sad every day for Colson. I think about him every day. I wonder about him every day. I know I'll never get over this but I do hope to find some peace in all of this some day. #loveforcolson
'Unfortunately the baby's heart has stopped beating.'
This is what haunts me most nights. The news. The second I realized that everything was about to change. The second I realized I lost my son.
They say that situations like this either make or break a relationship. I agree with this.
My husband has been more supportive, more emotionally available, more helpful in general. He has assured me that he will never lose patience with me and so far he hasn't. He has talked with me about all of this even when he didn't really want to. He has gone to work every day and continued to work hard for us, never getting a pause in all of this.
It certainly has not broken our relationship. It has brought us to a whole new level of closeness. We are more patient with each other. We talk more. We hug more. We are less angry at the small things. We appreciate each other more. We love more.
We are a little more patient with our kids. We say yes a little more often. We've always loved our kids with everything inside of us but we have really learned to appreciate little things more. When Bryan runs up to me in the kitchen and gives me a hug and tells me he loves me. When Ashlyn comes out of her room in the morning with a new crazy outfit on. When they cuddle up to me on the couch, one on each side. These are the things that make me smile.
Our kids have become even more beautiful to us than they were before. We just look at each one and really examine them. Memorize every detail. We know how precious they are now. We know how lucky we really are to have them.
I struggle with the baby bumps. Seeing all these pregnant ladies in my IG feed, seeing their growing bumps and their gender reveals and their excitement. I struggle with newborns. I still haven't gone to visit my sister in law who had her son two days after we lost Colson.
I struggle with my own belly. I've been pushing myself harder than ever before to lose weight. Who wants to have a baby belly with no baby in there? I've been doing double workouts, a lot of cardio, counting calories, deleting things from my diet. This past week the scale hasn't budged. Not even an ounce. It's so frustrating to be working so hard just to get no results when you really need them.
We had so many things go wrong after Colson. He really was just the top of a very long list of bad in our lives at the time. Things have settled down and we have been able to breath a little easier lately. Next week we have some new things happening that will be a nice distraction for us. I'll share more on Monday but for now I'll say we are really looking forward to this Summer and the changes we are about to make.
I'm sad every day for Colson. I think about him every day. I wonder about him every day. I know I'll never get over this but I do hope to find some peace in all of this some day. #loveforcolson
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