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Pregnancy Etiquette 101
I have had so many rude people asking me so many irritating questions throughout this pregnancy so far. I feel like a jerk because I get so irritated by these people! But I see now that I am not the only one!
The article was provided by Red Pen Mama via Wordpress.
1. I, myself, cannot stop the question “How do you feel?” from popping out of my mouth. Now, I don’t ask strangers that (I don’t ask pregnant strangers anything; I am an anomaly. I am a very private, quiet, introverted person who feels uncomfortable talking with strangers about my own pregnancies and/or labors, so I just don’t go there with people I don’t know.) I’ve asked my SILs this question; and my pregnant coworkers; and pregnant friends. I ask because I genuinely care, and they can tell me as much or as little as they want. But don’t ask if you don’t want to know, and don’t ask just so you can talk about your own pregnancies.
--I am asked this question ALL OF THE TIME! I know that people want to know what's going on but really? I'm just so tired of answering this question! And really, if I gave an honest answer, people would be mortified. I generally just smile and say "not too bad" but what I'm really thinking is "I'm miserable! My stomach is huge, my ankles are just as big, I'm tired and grouchy and I just want to go home and sleep. Do you even have to ask!" Really, do you?
2. Never, ever, unless you are 100% certain that a woman is pregnant, ask someone how far along she is. This can go very badly for you. She may have just delivered two weeks ago. She may have delivered two years ago. She may simply have an unfortunate shape and have never delivered babies, or a cyst the size of a watermelon in there. Don’t ask!
--I am fortunate in that I have a basketball belly so it's pretty obvious that I'm pregnant. I still would not expect some random person to just come up to me and ask me how far along I am, though. It's just rude.
3. Even when you are 100% sure that a woman is pregnant, you still should not comment on her size and/or shape. Believe it or not, “You hardly look pregnant!” is just as rude as “Wow! You’re huge! Only six months along?” This pregnancy being the exception, I didn’t show conclusively until I was seven-eight months along. And hearing, “You’re so tiny” made me worry about my babies. You don’t comment on non-pregnant people’s shape and size to their face, do ya?
Also, unless it’s hugely complimentary, don’t tell a pregnant woman how she appears. An acceptable comment would be, “Your skin looks fabulous.” Unacceptable: “Your skin looks so much better when you’re pregnant.” Don’t tell me how horrible I look — and this pregnancy, I do look horrible. I look tired because I’m facking exhausted; my skin is breaking out like a teenager’s the week before prom; and, yes, I already have a belly. (Actually, I’m kind of proud of this last feature. I’m sure I will feel differently by month seven when I feel like I’m carrying a bowling ball between my legs.) I know you mean to be sympathetic, but it just makes me feel worse.
--This is a BIG one for me and it's what prompted me to post this blog. Just yesterday I had a bit of dialog with a lady at church that went like this:
Her: "Are you sure you're not having twins?"
Me: "Not that I know of!"
Her: "I just don't know how much bigger you're going to get."
Me: **Staring with disbelief**
I mean really? How dare you?! First of all, "are you sure you're not having twins?" Would I really not have told anyone if I was having twins? This is such a stupid question! Second, are you a doctor? I'm pretty sure my doctor told me there is one in there. I'm also pretty sure he told me that my size is fine! Who asks a question like this?!
4. Never, ever, and I mean EVER, touch a pregnant woman’s belly without asking and receiving her express permission. This one completely boggles me. I don’t know why I was never assaulted this way (and make no mistake, it’s an assault, no matter how innocent or well-meaning you may be) — maybe because I am no earth-mother-looking pregnant chick; I look like a telephone pole with a basketball duct-taped to it. And I’m 5-foot-10-inches tall in bare feet. In any case, hands off. You do not touch other people’s bodies without permission. Period.
--This is another HUGE one for me! I do not want people touching me, especially without asking! I always tell my husband that I'm afraid of what I will do to the person who just randomly rubs my belly.
Once again, I had an instance at church (what is it with church people?) with another woman that went like this:
Her: "I won't do to you what I do to my daughter and rub your belly."
Me: "That's good for you because I don't like touching."
My husband told me I should have been nicer about it. I don't think so. Don't approach me and act like you are doing me a favor by not touching me. Once again, that's just rude!
5. Don’t share your horror stories. First of all, if you share an unsolicited labor story with me, you are going to hear the horror story to end all pregnancy/labor horror stories. Second, you’re scaring people. Pregnancy can be a wonderful, magical time in a young woman’s life. She doesn’t need to hear about your emergency C-section after 72 hours of hard labor, and how your epidural wore off in hour 48.
Now that being said, we all sit around and swap these stories with others we know, others who have been in the trenches with us. But if you don’t know a woman, and you don’t know if this is her first or her sixth pregnancy, don’t regale her with your tale of woe. As I often say, “It ain’t called picnic; it’s called labor.” Most of us knocked-up ladies understand what we’ve gotten ourselves into, and we all have different ways and means of dealing with what we gotta go through to get that baby in our arms.
--I've only really encountered this once so far but I'm sure I will have many more stories coming my way whether I want to hear them or not. It's funny because it was actually one of my bosses who told a story just like the one in the article about how his wife was in labor for 72 hours and then had a C-section. And he told me about how creepy the hospital was at night because all he could hear were the screams of the women in labor. Thanks buddy! Looking forward to it!
6. This may be a personal one: Don’t ask me what I’m naming my baby. Dan and I decided when we started having babies that the first person to know the baby’s name would be the baby. We would whisper it in his/her ear. I don’t feel comfortable telling you what I am naming him/her before he/she gets here. Yes, I am superstitious about this, and yes, I have damn good reason to be.
--I'm not really superstitious about people knowing the baby's name, I just don't want anyone's opinion about it. I don't care how rude that is. Someone always has something to say about it. This situation, again, prompts an encounter at church. I'm starting to get very irritated by this church! I won't go into the exact dialogue because I don't want to disclose the baby names but once my husband told this person what names we were thinking about, he immediately destroyed them. "Well I had a bad experience with someone by that name!" Like I give a crap! So, in order to avoid the irritation, we are just keeping the name to ourselves. Take that name basher!
7. Holy cats, don’t ask about things that only the woman’s midwife and/or doctor need to know. One of the women yesterday said a guy asked her (at the end of her last pregnancy) how far she was dilated! That’s just wrong.
--I have not had any 'strange' questions just yet. I'm sure I will have a few at some point considering everything else I've gotten so far!
8. Don’t say, “Trying for a boy/girl this time?” Especially in that jocular insider’s understanding tone. This may be another one that rubs me especially wrong. I had a boy. And I have two girls. I just want a healthy baby. We speculated a little bit when my brother’s wife got pregnant for a fourth time if she was “trying” for a girl (she had three boys), but I knew, like me, she just wanted a healthy baby. (She had another boy, by the way.) It doesn’t matter, and, frankly, it’s none of your business.
--I hate this question because it doesn't ever seem to be a question. It's a fact. You can't tell me if I'm having a boy or a girl based on the heartbeat or any other wives tale. I get what I get. Some more church dialog (seriously with this church?):
Her: "What's the heart rate?
Me: "Well, at 9 weeks it was 172."
Her: "Oh! You are having a boy!"
Me: "Really, because that was only at 9 weeks so I don't think you can tell."
Her: "No, you are having a boy."
Really? Now you are my doctor and know that I'm having a boy? In your face! It's a girl! I don't mind it when people say "I hope" or "I think", but don't TELL me what I'm having! It's just irritating!
9. This is an after-pregnancy peeve: Don’t comment upon and/or ask about the number of children a couple has. It’s none of your business if the parents of an only child are going to have another one, and it’s none of your business if a couple decides to have eight kids — hey, maybe they own a farm or want to start their own sports team. Commenting that little Bobby would probably love a little brother or sister — especially repeatedly — is rude; you don’t know if that decision was a heartbreaking one, or not, but it sure is a personal one.
--This is actually really good because my husband and I just don't know. We both agreed that we wanted more than one child. My husband wanted 4, I wanted 2, we agreed on 3. Now that I am pregnant for the first time, we don't know if we want anymore than one! I really have been miserable throughout the pregnancy and we just don't know if we want to do it again.
Of course now that we found out we are having a girl, I'm almost obligated to have another one because my husband wants a boy. I think I'll be ok with that but who knows. It really is no one else's business what we decide.
10. If, in the course of your inquiries or conversations, you do discover that a mother has suffered a loss (miscarriage, infant death, still baby), say: “I’m so sorry” and move on. Do not elaborate. A statement like, “That must have been devastating” is painfully obvious; a statement like, “Everything happens for a reason” borders on outright offensive. Say, “I’m so sorry.” That’s all. Oh, and say it for goodness sake; don’t ignore the fact that you are talking to someone who has lost a child. In the course of a conversation with a coworker who just had a little girl, she mentioned that she had had three miscarriages between her sons. And I just said, “Oh, I’m so sorry” and we continued our conversation. That was that.
--Also a very good point to add. Don't bring it up or comment on it unless they do. Why bring up that pain for them? I have a lot more to say about this topic but I won't because I'm sure it would offend people. Let's just say I find it a bit awkward when people who have had miscarriages or who have lost children talk about it like it's no big deal.
Edited to add: 11. Don’t ask about the conception. “Was it an accident?” “Were you trying?” In the case of multiples: “Were you using fertility drugs?” Woah, people. This is the same as asking, “Were you and your spouse/partner copulating? Were you using birth control?” None o’ yer business. people. (I tend to look at people with an eyebrow raised and say, “Well, we weren’t exactly NOT trying.”)
--Do people really ask this question? What a terrible question to ask!
12. Don’t comment if/when a woman goes past her due date. SHE KNOWS.
--I'm really hoping I don't have to worry about this! I'm hoping for an early baby!
Thank you Red Pen Mama for this fantastic article. I am also going to be posting on your Infant Baby Etiquette 101.
Pregnancy Etiquette 101
I have had so many rude people asking me so many irritating questions throughout this pregnancy so far. I feel like a jerk because I get so irritated by these people! But I see now that I am not the only one!
The article was provided by Red Pen Mama via Wordpress.
1. I, myself, cannot stop the question “How do you feel?” from popping out of my mouth. Now, I don’t ask strangers that (I don’t ask pregnant strangers anything; I am an anomaly. I am a very private, quiet, introverted person who feels uncomfortable talking with strangers about my own pregnancies and/or labors, so I just don’t go there with people I don’t know.) I’ve asked my SILs this question; and my pregnant coworkers; and pregnant friends. I ask because I genuinely care, and they can tell me as much or as little as they want. But don’t ask if you don’t want to know, and don’t ask just so you can talk about your own pregnancies.
--I am asked this question ALL OF THE TIME! I know that people want to know what's going on but really? I'm just so tired of answering this question! And really, if I gave an honest answer, people would be mortified. I generally just smile and say "not too bad" but what I'm really thinking is "I'm miserable! My stomach is huge, my ankles are just as big, I'm tired and grouchy and I just want to go home and sleep. Do you even have to ask!" Really, do you?
2. Never, ever, unless you are 100% certain that a woman is pregnant, ask someone how far along she is. This can go very badly for you. She may have just delivered two weeks ago. She may have delivered two years ago. She may simply have an unfortunate shape and have never delivered babies, or a cyst the size of a watermelon in there. Don’t ask!
--I am fortunate in that I have a basketball belly so it's pretty obvious that I'm pregnant. I still would not expect some random person to just come up to me and ask me how far along I am, though. It's just rude.
3. Even when you are 100% sure that a woman is pregnant, you still should not comment on her size and/or shape. Believe it or not, “You hardly look pregnant!” is just as rude as “Wow! You’re huge! Only six months along?” This pregnancy being the exception, I didn’t show conclusively until I was seven-eight months along. And hearing, “You’re so tiny” made me worry about my babies. You don’t comment on non-pregnant people’s shape and size to their face, do ya?
Also, unless it’s hugely complimentary, don’t tell a pregnant woman how she appears. An acceptable comment would be, “Your skin looks fabulous.” Unacceptable: “Your skin looks so much better when you’re pregnant.” Don’t tell me how horrible I look — and this pregnancy, I do look horrible. I look tired because I’m facking exhausted; my skin is breaking out like a teenager’s the week before prom; and, yes, I already have a belly. (Actually, I’m kind of proud of this last feature. I’m sure I will feel differently by month seven when I feel like I’m carrying a bowling ball between my legs.) I know you mean to be sympathetic, but it just makes me feel worse.
--This is a BIG one for me and it's what prompted me to post this blog. Just yesterday I had a bit of dialog with a lady at church that went like this:
Her: "Are you sure you're not having twins?"
Me: "Not that I know of!"
Her: "I just don't know how much bigger you're going to get."
Me: **Staring with disbelief**
I mean really? How dare you?! First of all, "are you sure you're not having twins?" Would I really not have told anyone if I was having twins? This is such a stupid question! Second, are you a doctor? I'm pretty sure my doctor told me there is one in there. I'm also pretty sure he told me that my size is fine! Who asks a question like this?!
4. Never, ever, and I mean EVER, touch a pregnant woman’s belly without asking and receiving her express permission. This one completely boggles me. I don’t know why I was never assaulted this way (and make no mistake, it’s an assault, no matter how innocent or well-meaning you may be) — maybe because I am no earth-mother-looking pregnant chick; I look like a telephone pole with a basketball duct-taped to it. And I’m 5-foot-10-inches tall in bare feet. In any case, hands off. You do not touch other people’s bodies without permission. Period.
--This is another HUGE one for me! I do not want people touching me, especially without asking! I always tell my husband that I'm afraid of what I will do to the person who just randomly rubs my belly.
Once again, I had an instance at church (what is it with church people?) with another woman that went like this:
Her: "I won't do to you what I do to my daughter and rub your belly."
Me: "That's good for you because I don't like touching."
My husband told me I should have been nicer about it. I don't think so. Don't approach me and act like you are doing me a favor by not touching me. Once again, that's just rude!
5. Don’t share your horror stories. First of all, if you share an unsolicited labor story with me, you are going to hear the horror story to end all pregnancy/labor horror stories. Second, you’re scaring people. Pregnancy can be a wonderful, magical time in a young woman’s life. She doesn’t need to hear about your emergency C-section after 72 hours of hard labor, and how your epidural wore off in hour 48.
Now that being said, we all sit around and swap these stories with others we know, others who have been in the trenches with us. But if you don’t know a woman, and you don’t know if this is her first or her sixth pregnancy, don’t regale her with your tale of woe. As I often say, “It ain’t called picnic; it’s called labor.” Most of us knocked-up ladies understand what we’ve gotten ourselves into, and we all have different ways and means of dealing with what we gotta go through to get that baby in our arms.
--I've only really encountered this once so far but I'm sure I will have many more stories coming my way whether I want to hear them or not. It's funny because it was actually one of my bosses who told a story just like the one in the article about how his wife was in labor for 72 hours and then had a C-section. And he told me about how creepy the hospital was at night because all he could hear were the screams of the women in labor. Thanks buddy! Looking forward to it!
6. This may be a personal one: Don’t ask me what I’m naming my baby. Dan and I decided when we started having babies that the first person to know the baby’s name would be the baby. We would whisper it in his/her ear. I don’t feel comfortable telling you what I am naming him/her before he/she gets here. Yes, I am superstitious about this, and yes, I have damn good reason to be.
--I'm not really superstitious about people knowing the baby's name, I just don't want anyone's opinion about it. I don't care how rude that is. Someone always has something to say about it. This situation, again, prompts an encounter at church. I'm starting to get very irritated by this church! I won't go into the exact dialogue because I don't want to disclose the baby names but once my husband told this person what names we were thinking about, he immediately destroyed them. "Well I had a bad experience with someone by that name!" Like I give a crap! So, in order to avoid the irritation, we are just keeping the name to ourselves. Take that name basher!
7. Holy cats, don’t ask about things that only the woman’s midwife and/or doctor need to know. One of the women yesterday said a guy asked her (at the end of her last pregnancy) how far she was dilated! That’s just wrong.
--I have not had any 'strange' questions just yet. I'm sure I will have a few at some point considering everything else I've gotten so far!
8. Don’t say, “Trying for a boy/girl this time?” Especially in that jocular insider’s understanding tone. This may be another one that rubs me especially wrong. I had a boy. And I have two girls. I just want a healthy baby. We speculated a little bit when my brother’s wife got pregnant for a fourth time if she was “trying” for a girl (she had three boys), but I knew, like me, she just wanted a healthy baby. (She had another boy, by the way.) It doesn’t matter, and, frankly, it’s none of your business.
--I hate this question because it doesn't ever seem to be a question. It's a fact. You can't tell me if I'm having a boy or a girl based on the heartbeat or any other wives tale. I get what I get. Some more church dialog (seriously with this church?):
Her: "What's the heart rate?
Me: "Well, at 9 weeks it was 172."
Her: "Oh! You are having a boy!"
Me: "Really, because that was only at 9 weeks so I don't think you can tell."
Her: "No, you are having a boy."
Really? Now you are my doctor and know that I'm having a boy? In your face! It's a girl! I don't mind it when people say "I hope" or "I think", but don't TELL me what I'm having! It's just irritating!
9. This is an after-pregnancy peeve: Don’t comment upon and/or ask about the number of children a couple has. It’s none of your business if the parents of an only child are going to have another one, and it’s none of your business if a couple decides to have eight kids — hey, maybe they own a farm or want to start their own sports team. Commenting that little Bobby would probably love a little brother or sister — especially repeatedly — is rude; you don’t know if that decision was a heartbreaking one, or not, but it sure is a personal one.
--This is actually really good because my husband and I just don't know. We both agreed that we wanted more than one child. My husband wanted 4, I wanted 2, we agreed on 3. Now that I am pregnant for the first time, we don't know if we want anymore than one! I really have been miserable throughout the pregnancy and we just don't know if we want to do it again.
Of course now that we found out we are having a girl, I'm almost obligated to have another one because my husband wants a boy. I think I'll be ok with that but who knows. It really is no one else's business what we decide.
10. If, in the course of your inquiries or conversations, you do discover that a mother has suffered a loss (miscarriage, infant death, still baby), say: “I’m so sorry” and move on. Do not elaborate. A statement like, “That must have been devastating” is painfully obvious; a statement like, “Everything happens for a reason” borders on outright offensive. Say, “I’m so sorry.” That’s all. Oh, and say it for goodness sake; don’t ignore the fact that you are talking to someone who has lost a child. In the course of a conversation with a coworker who just had a little girl, she mentioned that she had had three miscarriages between her sons. And I just said, “Oh, I’m so sorry” and we continued our conversation. That was that.
--Also a very good point to add. Don't bring it up or comment on it unless they do. Why bring up that pain for them? I have a lot more to say about this topic but I won't because I'm sure it would offend people. Let's just say I find it a bit awkward when people who have had miscarriages or who have lost children talk about it like it's no big deal.
Edited to add: 11. Don’t ask about the conception. “Was it an accident?” “Were you trying?” In the case of multiples: “Were you using fertility drugs?” Woah, people. This is the same as asking, “Were you and your spouse/partner copulating? Were you using birth control?” None o’ yer business. people. (I tend to look at people with an eyebrow raised and say, “Well, we weren’t exactly NOT trying.”)
--Do people really ask this question? What a terrible question to ask!
12. Don’t comment if/when a woman goes past her due date. SHE KNOWS.
--I'm really hoping I don't have to worry about this! I'm hoping for an early baby!
Thank you Red Pen Mama for this fantastic article. I am also going to be posting on your Infant Baby Etiquette 101.
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