Dear Colson,
It's been one year.
One whole year since my world stopped and everything changed.
One whole year since I held you way too soon.
Seems like such a long time and yet my heart aches as if it just happened yesterday.
The months after losing you were so hard. I thought about you all the time, cried for you, tried to figure out what I could have done to keep you here with us. I tried not to blame myself for losing you but who else could I blame? Your Daddy and I talked about you almost every day for those first few months. How could we not? We missed you so much.
As the months went on, it got a little easier, a little less painful. Life became distracting and it actually helped a little. We were happy to be doing something new in our lives but sad that you weren't going to be a part of it as we had planned. I think you would have loved our new house, especially the big playroom.
Your due date was so hard. We were supposed to be bringing you home in September but you were already gone. I'm so thankful for the people who sent flowers and checked in on your due date. That was a really hard day and it was so nice to have people thinking of us. I always appreciate when people check in or talk about you.
I have good days and bad days. Days when I think about you non stop and days when I barely have a second to think about you. Days when I think about you and smile and days when I think about you and get angry that you are gone. Days when I cry and days when I don't. Days when I'm excited for your new little brother in my belly and days when I feel guilty about him.
When I ask your sister how many brothers she has, she says she has three. That makes my heart so happy. She knows who you are and even if she doesn't completely understand it, she knows that you are her brother.
I know that you would have been such an awesome little brother to your siblings and they would have loved you so much. I'm so sad that you will never know them. I'm so sad that I don't get to watch you grow up next to them.
On your first birthday in Heaven, we will send some balloons to you. We will send a lantern to you at the exact time you were born. We will light your candle, we will cry and we will miss you.
We will wonder what you would have looked like, if you would have had as much hair as your siblings, who you would have taken after, which sibling you would have been the most attached to, how you would have slept, if you would have said mama or dada first. So many things.
I can't really describe the ache in my heart. I can't fully explain how I feel about losing you. I don't think there really are any words that would do it justice. Not having you here with us will never get easier. You will always be gone and there will always be a little hole in my heart.
I hope you can feel me. I hope you can feel how much I love you and miss you. I don't know how I feel about Heaven but if that's where you are, I hope you are in the arms of your great grandmother. She was the sweetest woman and she loved kids so much.
Just know that I love you so much my sweet boy. I will never stop thinking of you, talking about you, missing you. My heart will never stop aching for you. You are always on my mind and in my heart. You always will be.
It's been one year.
One whole year since my world stopped and everything changed.
One whole year since I held you way too soon.
Seems like such a long time and yet my heart aches as if it just happened yesterday.
The months after losing you were so hard. I thought about you all the time, cried for you, tried to figure out what I could have done to keep you here with us. I tried not to blame myself for losing you but who else could I blame? Your Daddy and I talked about you almost every day for those first few months. How could we not? We missed you so much.
As the months went on, it got a little easier, a little less painful. Life became distracting and it actually helped a little. We were happy to be doing something new in our lives but sad that you weren't going to be a part of it as we had planned. I think you would have loved our new house, especially the big playroom.
Your due date was so hard. We were supposed to be bringing you home in September but you were already gone. I'm so thankful for the people who sent flowers and checked in on your due date. That was a really hard day and it was so nice to have people thinking of us. I always appreciate when people check in or talk about you.
I have good days and bad days. Days when I think about you non stop and days when I barely have a second to think about you. Days when I think about you and smile and days when I think about you and get angry that you are gone. Days when I cry and days when I don't. Days when I'm excited for your new little brother in my belly and days when I feel guilty about him.
When I ask your sister how many brothers she has, she says she has three. That makes my heart so happy. She knows who you are and even if she doesn't completely understand it, she knows that you are her brother.
I know that you would have been such an awesome little brother to your siblings and they would have loved you so much. I'm so sad that you will never know them. I'm so sad that I don't get to watch you grow up next to them.
On your first birthday in Heaven, we will send some balloons to you. We will send a lantern to you at the exact time you were born. We will light your candle, we will cry and we will miss you.
We will wonder what you would have looked like, if you would have had as much hair as your siblings, who you would have taken after, which sibling you would have been the most attached to, how you would have slept, if you would have said mama or dada first. So many things.
I can't really describe the ache in my heart. I can't fully explain how I feel about losing you. I don't think there really are any words that would do it justice. Not having you here with us will never get easier. You will always be gone and there will always be a little hole in my heart.
I hope you can feel me. I hope you can feel how much I love you and miss you. I don't know how I feel about Heaven but if that's where you are, I hope you are in the arms of your great grandmother. She was the sweetest woman and she loved kids so much.
Just know that I love you so much my sweet boy. I will never stop thinking of you, talking about you, missing you. My heart will never stop aching for you. You are always on my mind and in my heart. You always will be.
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