Oh The Changes We Have Made...

I am amazed every day by how much I have changed. If you know me at all (pre baby), you know that I am not the most sentimental person in the world. I'm sarcastic. I'm blunt. I swear a lot. I'm kind of a jerk. I'm willing to admit that.  I'm still a jerk now, but I think the emotions run a little higher.

I find it much easier to cry now. I always hated to cry, especially in front of people, and I never used to do it often. Now, I see one of those dam commercials on TV for the Humane Society with a one-eyed dog shaking in the corner of his cage and I got tears running down my face. It actually makes me mad sometimes because I feel like such a sappy crap.

I get very sad when I hear or read anything involving the loss of a child. I mean, it made me sad before but now that I have my own child, I can't imagine how I would feel if I lost her. I can't bare the thought of her being in pain. I cried my face off when she got her 2 month shots for shits sake. I almost cry every time she does! I hate it when she cries. Crying means there is something wrong and I don't like when there's something wrong. It makes me feel like I am not doing my job as a Mother.

I get very angry (and cry a little) when I hear about children being mis-treated and abused. I think it's disgusting that adults can behave in such a way toward an innocent child. I'm not the most patient person but I love my little girl with everything I have and I would never dream of hurting her. My brain can not understand how anyone else could either. How can you look at these amazing little people with anything other than love?

I get defensive pretty quickly. My way is the only way when it comes to my daughter. Advice is appreciated but I hate it when people tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing with my child. Well you should use Huggies instead of Pampers because Huggies are better. You should use cornstarch powder instead of baby powder because it's better for the baby. You shouldn't make her wear a headband because it might hurt her head. Trust me...I google all of this shit and in the 17 weeks I have spent being a Mother I have learned that Pampers are better, cornstarch powder is actually best and if the headband is too tight, she will let me know! Mind your own dam business!

I'm not saying that advice is a bad thing. I'm just saying that people need to learn how to give that advice. Suggestions are welcomed, but don't tell me what I should doing. For example, my baby girl was having a hard time with formula. I had a bunch of people suggest that I try Soy because their babies had issues too. Guess what? Advice solicited and appreciated. Soy it is. As far as I'm concerned, other parents are the best places to find valid information. Just be careful how you relay that information.  And if I'm guilty of my own complaint, I apologize.

I never wanted to be a stay at home mom and now I'm actually considering it! I always knew that I would have children and a career. Why else would I have gone to college for 7 years and paid $70K for a business degree? Now? Sending my little booger butt to daycare everyday makes me cringe. Why should someone else get to spend the whole day with her? Why can't I spend the whole day with her?

I actually kind of like play dates. I usually enjoy any activity that doesn't involve me having to talk to people. People generally piss me off so I avoid them at all costs. Now that I actually have something in common with people, it's much easier to talk to them. I could talk baby all day every day and I would never get tired of it.

And what's with this wanting to have a ton more kids shit I have going on right now? I have NEVER wanted to have more than two children. NEVER. My husband has always wanted four kids. We met in the middle and agreed on three. Then we decided that if our second child is a boy, we didn't want anymore. My heart kind of melts a little bit whenever we say that now. I never expected that I would be the one to actually WANT to have more kids, especially after how difficult my pregnancy and delivery was, but I kind of want like three or four or five kids. Well, maybe not five but I think I could handle four.

Just writing that right now makes me want to smack myself in the face. What the hell is wrong with me? Do I have baby fever or what? Right after Ashlyn was born, my Dad came to visit us in the hospital and he, of course, asked the key question: "Do you want to do this again?" Now, again, anyone who knows me knows that I didn't have the easiest pregnancy and the delivery was pretty much horrendous. So, my answer to him was, "don't ask me that right now" followed with "can't we adopt the next one?"

You'd think that would be stuck in my brain but NO. I'm the one sitting here saying let's wait our 6 months and try again. The thought of another miserable pregnancy, ferocious delivery and (dare I say it) the possibility of a crabby child does not scare me one bit. I want another one. Now. I can't help it. I friggin love babies. This coming from the person who wouldn't even hold our friends newborns before. Now I'll hold them all....and probably try to steal them. 

The whole point here is that this little baby has done what no one else has ever been able to do. She has changed me.  Everyone said she would and I just couldn't believe that anyone could have that much of an influence over me.  It just didn't seem possible. 

She has made me happier to wake up in the morning.  She has showed me that it's ok to look like a total idiot as long as we are happy!  She has reassured me that schedules don't mean shit and that it's ok to be late.  She has showed me that it's ok to play all day.  She has showed me that dirty dishes and laundry piles don't matter as long as we are having a good day.  She has showed me that being a Mom her Mom ROCKS. 

Incredibly and ridiculously adorable